Xmas Wardrobe Malfunction.

Well.  Here we go again.  My human managed to dig out those brutal red antler photos from last year and they are again circulating the internet.  Ha Ha. Humbug.  And of COURSE, she had to attempt a similar shot THIS year.  I KNEW it when I saw the bag from the dreaded Dollar Store last week.  But this year, I am calling the photos the “Xmas wardrobe malfunction.”

You see, everything at the Emporium for Torturous Canine Holiday Attire was made for LITTLE dogs this year.  The size dogs you carry around in your purse.  CLEARLY that doesn’t describe ANYONE in THIS household.  There were TINY Santa hats – none of which would work for us.  Yes, she COULD have purchased a human version – but let’s face it –without any strap to hold the things on our heads, that was not going to work.  And while she delights in outfitting us, she is not prepared to take time to actually SEW outfits for us.  Thank GOD for small miracles.

Anyway, she did manage to find a red and white colored bomber hat that she thought might work for Paxton.  And she also found these brown antler things with a matching collar for Frodo.  And for me.  While she was a bit skeptical about the size, for some godforsaken reason she THOUGHT they would stretch.

As soon as we saw the Dollar Store bag AND the extra yummy treats ,which accompany these photo shoots, we KNEW what was coming next.  Which sends ALL of us into a FRENZY.  Paxton tries to run away, and I become like a wild snapping turtle – grabbing at any attire I can get my teeth on.  Want to get that collar thingy with the bells on it over my head – GOOD LUCK.  Frodo is a BIT more compliant and his barking decreased somewhat after the collar was on – probably because the stupid thing was choking him.  OK.  It wasn’t THAT bad – I shouldn’t say that - before someone reports my human to Animal Control.  Mind you the ridiculous attire IS reason to report her…let alone the choking.

Once the collars were on, we were all let loose outside.  And then the enticement to come and sit began – while she waved the yummy treats in front of us.  So we sat.  But then came the final step – putting on the head gear.  Paxton didn’t seem to care – he thought he was cool because he didn’t have antlers this year.  Lucky him. Our antlers had a strap with velcro that had to be STRETCHED to fit under our chin.  Clearly these antlers were made for dogs with smaller heads.  Hence the squished faces.  And the floppy antlers....

So what you see are the best of the 1,298 shots taken.  In some, Paxton is without his attire.  Because I kept pulling it off.  That fuzzy red hat was just TOO much for me to ignore.

My human is not TOTALLY pleased with these results – but even SHE admits that the attire wasn’t great.  I’m just hoping she doesn’t think about visiting a DIFFERENT Dollar Store…

Enjoy.  I'm sure you will!

Paxton:  When I open my eyes, maybe those two things behind me with the antlers will have disappeared.

Paxton:  Thanks Viktor for pulling off my hat!    Viktor:  Yeah - and it would be nice if you returned the favor.   Frodo:  My field of vision is decreasing.....

 

Frodo:  Can you open your mouth? Viktor:  No.  Are we supposed to be reindeer or rabbits?

Frodo: Seriously.  These things were made for chihuahuas.    Viktor:  Ya think?

Frodo:  Viktor, can you still see?   Viktor:  Nope.      Paxton:  I don't know these two.

©  Linda Wozniak

Christmas Decorating. Baaaaa humbug.

Baaaaaaaa humbug.  That's what I say about all this Christmas decorating.  I thought this was going to be FUN.  Little did I realize that Frodo and I would be sequestered in the hallway with a baby gate while my human made 192,000 trips to the storage closet downstairs where the Christmas decorations are stored.  Actually, that's not entirely true.  Many of the decorations are in the storage closet -and then there are things in OTHER closets as well.  And because she did not want Frodo and I opening EVERY box, we had to watch from the other room.  But get this - Bucket Head, the guy who eats ANYTHING was allowed to stay in the action zone.  Bucket Head!  Mind you, when my human tells him to LIE DOWN, he usually does.  She DID catch him chewing on a small piece of tissue paper that fell on the floor - but all in all he was very well behaved.  Guess you become more obedient when you are a SENIOR.

Relaxing amongst the chaos...

The best part of the decorating was listening to my human mumble and grumble about how much work decorating is.  Uh hello?  Maybe because she goes  BIT overboard in covering every horizontal surface in the house with Christmas tchotchkes.  Every surface except the floor that is.  Wait.  There IS stuff on the floor too.  She decorated two feather trees (some goose gave up his life a LONG time ago to become a Christmas decoration), she completed several miniature villages, she put up the manger (minus Baby Jesus who won't arrive until Christmas), AND she put up the dog tree.  Yes.  We have a dog tree.  Of course we do.  All of the ornaments are dogs or are dog related - like a fire hydrant - and the garlands are made from leashes.  

That's ME on the dog tree!

 

Frodo on the dog tree

Oh - and our show ribbons also decorate the dog tree too.  She started the marathon at 9AM, and didn't finish until suppertime.  I am NOT kidding.  And WAIT - there is more to come.  The REAL tree will probably be put up next weekend.  And we will AGAIN be sequestered as that tree has ALL glass ornaments.  

I must say, while my human loves the dog tree - her favorite part of decorating is putting out some very special Santas.  VERY special.  For many years, her father would carve a Santa for her and her sister.  No two are alike.  She has over 20 of them - and her sister does too.  Here is a special one that he did the year she got a Bernese named Guinness.  Paxton thinks it's him - and that's OK.  Because it's really ALL the Bernese she has ever been owned by.  We PONs never got to meet her Dad - but I think he would have liked us.  How could he not - we're POLISH after all.  And I KNOW we would have loved him...He loved dogs....

So Part 1 of the Christmas Explosion is complete.  Now to convince my human that she should take ME with her when she goes tree hunting.... Now wouldn't THAT be an adventure?!

©  Linda Wozniak

The DFZ. Again.

 We are THE luckiest dogs.  Seriously.  Yesterday my human went to work and one of her patients in her Communication Group had a surprise for her.  A special surprise.  She baked dog cookies.  For ME!!!!  SWEET!  OK.  They weren’t JUST for me – they were for all of us.  Wasn’t that nice?!  And they are oh-so yummy!

It looks like the Christmas decorating might begin this weekend.  Which means the DFZ will once again become the DFZ.  For those who have read my blog since the early days – you will recall that the DFZ is the Dog Free Zone.  The living room.  The only room in the house where we canines are not allowed to enter.  But since I started this blog, my human has “relaxed” the rules for the DFZ.  In fact, when she is home and sitting in the DFZ, we are ALL allowed IN the room.  The rule for “no rowdiness” still stands – but we have even managed to get the “no sitting on the furniture”” rule lifted.  I KNEW we could do it.

But now, with the Christmas decorating explosion about to happen, I have a feeling the DFZ will once again be off limits. I have no idea why.  OK.  Maybe I do.  There was that small incident with the shredded Christmas ornament last year.  That little stuffed dog ornament.   After Frodo and I snuck into the DFZ.  And while I clearly appeared to be the culprit because I was caught standing close to the victim, I still say it was Frodo who did it. 

It’s about time that I start my Christmas list.  First on the list – a bigger dog food bowl.  There is NEVER enough room for all the food I COULD eat.  Poor Pax.  He eats his food and then runs off with his bowl – so we PONs won’t attempt to get any of his miniscule leftover bits.  I think he needs a bigger bowl too.

Anyway – I must go and supervise the decorating.  Enjoy your weekend.  I know I will!

©  Linda Wozniak

Black Friday

You humans.  You are just so interesting.  Today is “Black Friday”.  It’s a day when people line up to buy things at bargain prices.    And today is also “Buy Nothing Day.”  Yup.  Some people go crazy spending money.  And others do JUST the opposite. 

My human was not going to line up in the wee hours of the morning to go shopping.  No point in putting her life in danger.  Imagine her tombstone reading:  Died by trampling while bargain hunting. 

Now don’t get me wrong – we all enjoy a good bargain.  But to go to extreme lengths to get it seems crazy.  Although I DID see that the pet store had some GREAT bargains on Dog Toys.  I think THAT would be worth standing in line for.  Wonder if I can borrow the car?

Speaking of the car – my human has been driving around a land aircraft carrier the past few days.   Not just a “landyacht.”  A land aircraft carrier.  Our car, Harold, has been in the shop getting a new bumper.  He had to get one after my human was rear ended a few weeks back.  The massive vehicle she was given by the insurance company is a BIT much.  She was practically crying when driving home from work the other night.  Everything in  the vehicle is touch button/electronic.  Somehow she got the air conditioner BLASTING – which was NOT what she wanted as it was freezing outside.  And she couldn’t figure out how to adjust the temperature.  She just kept repeating “I want my little old Subaru back.  I want my little old Subaru back.”  I bet Frodo would have a great time in that rental vehicle – he loves to push buttons.  But not likely he will get the chance.  Taking us wild things in a posh vehicle would NOT be a good idea.  That new car smell would be gone.  QUICKLY. Not to mention the olfactory art we could leave on the windows.  My human doesn’t want to take any chances with us and is begging for Harold to be returned.  It sounds like it won’t be until next Monday.  Harold has a few issues with rust that were not evident until they removed his bumper.  Poor Harold.  We miss him. 

So the National Dog show winner was a Skye Terrier.  My human was talking to her mother on her way home from work, and her mother said “it was a shaggy dog who won.”  My human said “was it a PON?!”  Her mother said – I don’t THINK so – but it WAS shaggy.  Maybe it was a PON!“  When my human looked up the winner she saw it WAS a shaggy dog.   But not exactly a PON .....Maybe next year!

OK.  Enough babbling on.  Time to celebrate FRIDAY!!!!  Whether you call it Black, Red or Yellow -it’s here again!!  We call it “more time with our human!!”  Life IS good.  Oh.  And if you DID get great bargains on dog toys – and you want to share – I will be happy to send you my mailing address. 

©  Linda Wozniak

Thanksgiving. Again!

Today is a HUGE holiday in the US.  It’s Thanksgiving Day. We get to celebrate Canadian AND US Thanksgiving - since my human is a citizen of both countries!  Turkey dinner times two.

And today, as is tradition– millions of people will be watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade in New York City.  The parade began back in 1924.  The first giant helium balloon to appear in the parade was a CAT.  Felix the Cat.  Back in 1927.  But do you know what balloon has appeared in the most parades?  Snoopy! Of course.  Because he is a DOG.

Everyone awaits the end of the parade because a special guy appears.  Santa.  He’s always at the end.  Except for 1933 when someone had the idea to put him at the beginning of the parade.  I guess it wasn’t such a GREAT idea, since they never did it again.

And when the parade is over, that’s not the end of the excitement.  And I’m not referring to football games.  I’m talking about the National Dog Show, in Philadelphia!  How appropriate that humans should have a special show with DOGS on Thanksgiving.  Seven new breeds will be introduced this year - the Bergamasco, Spanish Water Dog, Miniature American Shepherd, Lagotto Romagnolo, Berger Picard, Cirneco dell'Etna, and Boerboel.   Looks like several of them are herding breeds.  I’m personally partial to those breeds –because we PONs are in the herding group and I think we all are kindred spirits.  Mind you.  I don’t really like sheep….

But besides the parade and sports events and even a dog show – today is a day to be THANKFUL.  A day to be grateful for so many things.   And some things we may not think about…

For a example – be thankful for the fact that you have the ability to read this blog!  Not everyone can.

Be thankful that you have a computer or other electronic device that you can read this blog on.  Not everyone does.

Be thankful that you have the electricity to run your device.  Not everyone does.

Be thankful that you have been owned by or are currently owned by a dog.  We bring so much joy to your life.  Most of the time…

Be thankful that you woke up this morning to celebrate a new day.  Not everyone will....

So take a moment to give thanks for all you have – including your loved ones – two legged and four legged.

Happy Thanksgiving – no matter WHERE you live!  Now. Pass the turkey!

©  Linda Wozniak

Solitary confinement

So what’s the latest news around here?  Well.  Paxton is in solitary confinement.  For his own protection.  Protection from me.  And Frodo….

I think I mentioned the other day that my human noticed a cut on Paxton’s ear.  She WONDERED why Frodo and I were OBSESSED with licking him and on closer inspection, she saw why.  So she put some ointment on his ear, thinking that would keep us away.  Fat chance.  We like to lick.  She even tried some bitter stuff.  Yum.  We are not to be deterred.

So she decided she would have to sequester Paxton any time she was not around.  So he stayed in the rec room while she was at work and we PON twins were upstairs.  She kept putting ointment on his ear – and it was healing nicely.  She was even taking him with her in the bathroom when she took her shower each morning. From what I hear – he was fascinated with our human standing in this clear box, getting wet.  We didn’t get to see – because we were not allowed in the room. 

But the day before yesterday she didn’t take him in the bathroom – thinking the ear was healing well. Uh.  It WAS.  When she came out of the bathroom after showering, she saw Frodo.  But Paxton and I were not around.  She came into the hallway, and found me standing with my front legs on his back, while thoroughly cleaning that ear.  Yup.  I did it.  And the ear was raw again.  So Paxton had to go back in solitary. 

So yesterday morning, while she going to take her shower, Paxton was with her in the bathroom.  Frodo and I were NOT impressed. We wanted to be in there too.  So JUST as my human was about to step in the shower, she heard all heck break loose in the kitchen.  Barking and banging and clanging – it sounded like a war going on.  She realized what was happening and grabbed her phone to record a short snip of the the sound. She came out to find FRODO barking like crazy, and playing bowl hockey with his metal food dish.  He was batting it all around the room and barking at the same time.  Here's a SHORT recording of the mayhem.  Remember - this recording was taken from another room.  With the door closed!   dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/64680588/Frodo.m4a

The truth is – Frodo was QUITE annoyed that Pax got to go in the bathroom again.  So he decided to be quite vocal about his opinion.   I just sat there innocently.  For a change. 

My human has to watch us when we are all together – because if she turns her back for even .046 seconds, one of us is licking that ear.  We’re JUST trying to make it better.  But she doesn’t see it that way.

Paws crossed that it heals quickly and Pax can come out of solitary.  Mind you….sometimes I think he might ENJOY the solitude….

©  Linda Wozniak

Celebrate your Talents!

November 24.  Today is Celebrate Your Unique Talent Day.  Hmmm…So WHAT are some of the unique talents of the dogs in this household?  Let’s see…

Frodo has a unique talent for being able to rest his head in THE most uncomfortable spots.  On a chair rail.  On the edge of a table.  He can sleep comfortably anywhere.  He also has the unique talent for being able to read my human’s mind.  So when she attempts to take a photo of him in the weird positions – he can figure it out before she even comes near with the camera.  And he moves.  So I don’t have great photographic evidence of his strange talent – but trust me – the guy is a contortionist.  He is also a very talented escape artist.  Combine his contortionism with his clever ability to figure out how to get IN or OUT of any enclosure and we have a true Pondini in our midst. That's talent!

Paxton?  His unique talent is pulling a cart.  The one he has is not really big enough for him to pull Frodo and I around – I think he needs a wagon.  He is a talented draft dog.  But he does what my human calls “freestyle draft.”  He goes where HE wants with the cart.  And not always where my human wants him to.

And me?  What’s my talent?  Rabbit chasing?  Social greeter with porcupines?  Ability to use X-ray vision to see into the room where the dog food is stored?  Ability to CAREFULLY sneak onto my human’s bed when she is asleep – and not wake her?  Ability to put on THE most adorable expression when I have done something wrong?  No wait.  My talent is blog writing!

Sometimes we neglect our unique talents – and we don’t always share them with others. If your talent is singing, belt out a tune – even if it’s in the shower.  If your talent is drawing, doodle something today – maybe a picture of a PON!  If your talent is dog training – teach Fido a new trick!  All of us have the talent or ability to make someone ELSE feel good.  Tell someone how nice they look.  Thank them for their service.  The important thing - no matter WHAT YOUR talent – make sure you use it today!

©  Linda Wozniak

Fibonacci Day

November 23.  Fibonacci Day.  I must confess – I had NO idea who or what Fibonacci is/was.  It sounds like a cross between some kind of disease and an Italian dessert.  But no – Fibonacci was at Italian mathematician in the Middle Ages.  His real name was Leonardo Bonacci.  Fibonacci for short?  Anyway he did some stuff with number sequences.  Check him out on Google.

Did you know that there have been studies to see if we dogs can do math?!  And of course they found we can.  To test our math skills, researchers showed dogs a piece of food.  Then they put it behind a barrier.  So the dogs couldn't see it.  Then they showed the dogs another piece of food.  Which they also placed behind the barrier.  Sometimes they secretly removed one of the pieces of food.  When they removed the barrier – the dogs would STARE in surprise that one of the pieces was gone.  The dogs had “counted” the pieces and knew one was missing.  So they could subtract.   In the same way, the researchers sometimes secretly put an EXTRA piece of food behind the barrier.  And the dogs also stared when the barrier was removed – because they could see (and add) the extra piece.  So from this experiment, they concluded that we dogs can add and subtract.  I could have told them that.  Heck, I can tell if Frodo gets more pieces of kibble in HIS bowl than I do.  And I DEFINITELY know if one of us gets an extra treat.  I certainly don’t need a calculator for that!

So go out and celebrate Finonacci today.  And don’t forget to give your dog an extra treat.  We’re counting on it! Pun intended.

©  Linda Wozniak

National Start Your Own Country Day

November 22.  Today is National Start Your Own Country Day.  I’m not joking.  So I started thinking, if we canines started our OWN country, what would it be like?

First off, we would need a flag.  Something with a pawprint works.  A grey background with all different colored pawprints.  To represent ALL the different colors we canines come in.  No matter WHAT the breed or variety.  The country of K9 would be ALL inclusive.

The national language?  Simple.  We all speak woof.  That’s the cool thing about us dogs – we all speak the SAME language – so there is never any misinterpretation about what we are communicating.

Governing body?  The Top Dog rules.  Any dog has the CHANCE to be the Top Dog.  But often, it is the OLDEST dog in the country.   We respect our elders – and we look to them for advice and direction.  So our Top Dog would not be some young pup. 

National sport?  Chasing things. … Cats.  Balls.  Sheep.  Ducks.  Rodents.  Or Z’s.  Some of us are true couch potatoes – and some of us like to move.  

National dish?  Apples.  It accommodates any vegan citizens – and most dogs seem to like them.  Oh – and in our country,  food dishes would be refilled WHENEVER we want them.

The country of K9 would be leash free.  Brushes would be banned.  And attire would be COMPLETELY optional – particularly holiday attire.  It is UNLIKELY most canines would opt for holiday dressing – but we must be accepting of those who DO enjoy it.  Those few.

I’m not sure exactly WHERE our country would be located.  I think it has to be some place that has four seasons.  Because some canines like warm weather, and some like cold – we again need to be inclusive.  One thing I DO know, our country would have LOTS of trees.  Lots and lots of trees.  To pee on.  Oh and for environmental reasons of course.

So there is the START of our country.  We of course, WOULD allow humans in our country.  We would allow them to live amongst us and follow our rules.  And to bring us food.  And clean up our poop.  And play with us.  And provide shelter.   And to give us treats and toys.

Hey.  Come to think of it – we are ALREADY doing THAT part….So maybe we DO already have our own country….worldwide…Think about it.....

©  Linda Wozniak

Resolutions. Revisited.

Wow.  The year is really going by quickly.  I mean it is almost US Thanksgiving and the next thing you know, it will be Easter.  JUST kidding.  Of course the next big thing is CHRISTMAS!!!! Time to start working on my wish list. 

But I started thinking.  Before I do THAT, perhaps I should look at my 2015 New Year’s resolutions to see how I am doing. I wonder how many HUMANS actually carry out their resolutions?  Heck. I wonder how many humans can even REMEMBER what they were?! So here’s my list.  Let’s see how I am doing.  I figure if I look at them now, I still have time to accomplish them – if I haven’t already done so.

1.     Get my very own Facebook page. I have my own blog, so I think it’s time I get my own page on Facebook.  And my goal is 14 Likes by May. ACCOMPLISHED!!!  And 147 people like me.  113 of those are my human’s family.  20 are MY friends. The rest are people she made up.

2.     Stop running off into the woods.  OK.  That’s probably a bit lofty.  How about stop running off into the woods for more than 10 minutes.  Hmmm.  I’m not quite sure I accomplished this one.  Especially that night I went to visit the porcupine…

3.     Stop counter surfing.  Hmmm…again maybe a bit much.  How about stop counter surfing when there is a full moon..  This one I DID accomplish.  I NEVER counter surfed.  When there was a full moon.  For example – when I stole the dog sitter’s sandwich last week from the counter, it was a NEW moon.  So check this one off the list.

4.     Do not chew on the new dog bed.  When my human is watching.   Another one – accomplished!  Remember the $10,000 steel bed my human bought for us LAST Christmas?  It is STILL intact!  I think we could do commercials for these beds.  NO DOG BED has ever survived this long in our house!!!!

5.     Do not lick Frodo or Paxton’s face.  If it is dinner time. Accomplished.  I never lick their ears while eating dinner.  Ever.  The other 23 hours and 58 minutes of the day – it’s a different story…

6.     Do not steal bones or toys from Frodo or Paxton.  Especially when I have already hoarded all the other bones and toys….OK.  ANOTHER one I need to work on.  But honestly, I thought all the toys were for ME!

7.     Do not look longingly at the garage door where the dog food is stored.  Every 10 minutes.    I’ve got this one down to every 15 minutes.  More work to do…

8.     Make every effort NOT to knock out my human when I am jumping repeatedly while waiting to go out the front door. No black eyes SO FAR this year – so I consider this one accomplished.

9.     Do not chase rabbits or foxes…. on the third Thursday of every month. Accomplished.  Wait there WAS the third Thursday of April.  Oh and July.  And September.  OK.  Maybe this still needs work.

10.  Agree to poop in the rain at least once a month.  OK.  Semi-accomplsihed.  I did do this in May.  But not since then….

So overall, I’m not doing TOO badly.  A couple of things to work on.  I still have 40 more days.

Now to start working on the Christmas wish list…

©  Linda Wozniak