Dog clubs.

So this weekend, my human is planning to participate in a conference call with a PON club that she is in.  We don’t have a local PON club.  Heck. We don’t even have an active Canadian PON club!  So she joins clubs from other countries. And because members are spread far and wide, they communicate via conference call.  It’s really kinda cool.  But no doubt, we will try to disrupt it while it is going on.

It’s funny how humans like to form dog clubs.  I mean, it’s kind of interesting how they pick a breed of dog – and then like to connect to other people who have the same breed.  And go to shows with people who have the same breed.  And share tips with people who have the same breed.  Now it’s not that they don’t have friends who have OTHER breeds of dogs.  But there is this funny “cult” thing of hanging out with others who suffer from the same obsession.

And these clubs decide things like how the breeds should look.  They write up a “standard” that describes what the “perfect” specimen of the breed should look like. Which got me to thinking – what if we DOGS formed our own clubs and discussed our humans.  And we decided a “standard”.  If we did, here is my description of my human…

Origin & Purpose:  Polish-American roots.  Purpose: To serve canine companions to the best of her ability.  To tolerate bad canine behavior, to train canines with copious amounts of treats and to allow canines to rule the household.  Within reason. Oh. And to work and earn wages to pay for dog food.  Lots of dog food.

General Appearance:  Pretty ragged at 5 AM while walking dogs.  Cleans up nicely when going to work.  Dresses casually when not working, in slobber-resistant and dog-hair friendly attire.

Temperament:  Quiet at 5 AM and before leaving for work each morning.  Overly exuberant at 5 PM and on weekends.  Happy when canines are well behaved.  Strong sense of humor.  Overall, pleasant demeanor. 

Size:  Above average height for human females (which is 5’5”).  Weight cannot be discussed but let’s just say, the results of eating the leftover Halloween candy are still evident.

Hair:  Wavy short.  Color…original: brown.  Current: brown.  If use of “products” is a disqualification, she is OUT of the show.

Eyes:  Green.  Not as good as canine's.  Vision is augmented by the use of contact lenses and/or glasses. 

Teeth:  Full dentition.  Scissors bite.  Some malocclusion.

Body:  Legs and arms are long in proportion to body.  Feet could double as flippers for swimming.

Gait:  Awkward when running.  Not overly graceful.  Best movement is exhibited when walking. Walking dogs.

Faults:  Not filling enough food in dog bowls.  Insisting on grooming dogs.

So there you have the standard for my human.  She is NOT perfect – by any means – but then neither are Frodo and Paxton.  OK. OK.  I’m not perfect either.  So I guess we'll keep her.

Have a PONtastic day!

© Linda Wozniak